The holiday season is a time of joy, celebration, and connection. But for those of us who are neurodivergent, it can also be a period of heightened stress and anxiety. One coping mechanism that many of us use is masking—hiding our true selves to fit in with societal norms.
And as you can already imagine, the concept of hiding our true self to fit in, has an incredibly high cringe factor for this particular Elegant Rebel®. But here’s the thing I’m discovering. Sometimes it is safer to mask than unmask. And this acknowledgement is definitely a component of being an Elegant Rebel®. You are acknowledging what you need, not society, to be the best version of you. And sometimes this will mean, following your soul nudges when they strongly suggest putting your mask on.
However. How can we achieve this in a balanced fashion where we are ourselves and safe at the same time?
First some background about my general masking experiences. When I first announced I was an introvert and highly sensitive person, the number of perplexed ‘no, you can’t be!!!’; ‘but you work in Media & PR!’; ‘I don’t believe you!’ comments and exclamations were surprisingly high.
The same thing has happened when I have mentioned over the years that I was identified as dyslexic at 17. The normal response is ‘but you’re a writer/editor/proofreader!’ – like one excludes the other.
This is possibly one of the main reasons I chosen not to share this information about my brain over the years. The confusion over how could you be successful and be ‘???’ - insert whatever label here.
It is the reason I am prone to being a workaholic and perfectionist – I lived the whole ‘if I just keep achieving, no one will notice how different I am’ thought process. But, in my experience, this also leads to not recognising when your body is physically screaming at you to stop and rest or continuing the pretence of being a social butterfly simply to be able to say no to invitations so you can recharge, alone. It literally took a breast cancer diagnosis for me to stop and breathe and recognise I wasn’t winning at the masking game!
Fast forward to September 2023 and I received clinical verification that I am neurodivergent – in particular, I am AuDHD (both ASD and ADHD), Dyslexic, PBD, Alexithymia, hypermobile and a couple eating disorders thrown in for good measure too – and the psychiatrist undertaking my evaluation was blown away by the number and complexity of the ‘work arounds’ – aka masking – I had developed to achieve my studies, career and camouflaging my way through a neurotypical world.
Welcome to the world of masking and camouflage. A world where I am slowly working out that ditching the mask completely isn’t the safest strategy either.
What I am rapidly discovering, however, is as a neuroquirky person, the ‘normal’ mask is with us all the time. Whether we’re choosing to wear it or not, we’re still pondering about it. It would appear this is a fright, flight response which stems from the need to consciously or unconsciously feel safe and be accepted in society. (Please feel free to insert a ‘smushed up face’ response here, and I promise to not jump on my soap box about conforming to neurotypical standards!).
So where is the middle ground? Being your true self and at the same time feeling safe and not causing yourself additional challenges like burnout and fatigue? What are a few of the pros and cons of wearing that invisible mask, especially during the holiday season, and where can we find a balance?
Some potential advantages of masking include:
Acceptance: While not my favourite, masking can help us blend in and avoid unwanted attention or judgment. During holiday gatherings, this can make social interactions more manageable and less stressful.
Reduced Conflict: By ‘fitting in’ with expected behaviours, we can avoid potential conflicts or misunderstandings with family and friends who may not fully understand our neurodivergent traits. This one does take some energy to understand what the ‘expected behaviours’ are!
Increased Opportunities: Masking can open doors to new experiences and opportunities that we might otherwise shy away from due to fear of being misunderstood or excluded.
The drawbacks of masking may include:
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly hiding our true selves can be incredibly draining. The effort required to maintain a facade can lead to burnout, especially during the busy holiday season.
Loss of Authenticity: Masking can make us feel disconnected from our true selves. Over time, this can erode our sense of identity and self-worth.
Missed Connections: By masking, we may miss out on genuine connections with others who might appreciate and accept us for who we truly are.
While masking can be a useful tool, it's important to find a balance that allows us to protect our well-being while also being true to ourselves. Here are a few tips to help navigate the holiday season:
Set Boundaries: Communicate your needs and limits to those around you. It's okay to say no to events or activities that feel overwhelming.
Take Breaks: Allow yourself time to recharge. Find a quiet space where you can relax and decompress when needed.
Seek Support: Connect with others who understand your experiences. Whether it's through online communities or in-person support groups, finding a network of like-minded individuals can be incredibly reassuring.
And as it is the holiday season, don’t forget to come up with fun ways to mask or unmask depending on the situation and what is best for you!
For example, some fun ways to mask could include:
Themed Outfits: Use holiday-themed outfits as a way to blend in while expressing your creativity. Ugly sweater parties, anyone?
Holiday Crafts: Engage in holiday crafts or DIY decorations. This can be a great way to participate in social activities while focusing on something you enjoy. Did someone say Alignment Board Funshop?
Holiday Music: Use holiday music as a conversation starter. Share your favourite holiday tunes and ask others about theirs. It’s a great way to engage without feeling overwhelmed.
And some fun and creative ways to unmask safely could be:
Quiet Corners: Find or create quiet corners at gatherings where you can retreat and be yourself. Bring a book, a puzzle, or a calming activity to enjoy.
Sensory-Friendly Activities: Suggest sensory-friendly activities like watching holiday movies, baking, or going for a walk to see holiday lights. These can be enjoyable and less overwhelming.
Holiday Traditions: Share your own holiday traditions with others. It’s a way to connect authentically and educate others about your unique experiences.
Supportive Friends: Plan smaller, more intimate gatherings where you can be yourself.
For me the most important factor in deciding whether it is safe to mask or unmask is following your inner knowing or ‘soul nudges’ about the situation you either find yourself in or knowingly put yourself in. Really take the time to understand how your mind, body and soul respond to feeling safe or unsafe in masking situations.
For me, if I am feeling unsafe, my body physically overheats, and I fan myself to stim or regulate this. If I am feeling completely safe, I have an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace which others instantly sense as well. It’s taken me a wee bit to recognise this, however by focusing on sensing and acknowledging the signs my soul uses to nudge me with, and intentionally using strategies to work with these nudges, the aha moments continue to flow.
And always remember you can balance masking and unmasking:
Set Your Boundaries: It’s okay to step back from situations that feel overwhelming.
Take Your Breaks: Find a quiet space where you can relax and be yourself.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritise activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Inform Others: Sharing information and resources can foster empathy and reduce the pressure to mask.
Remember, the holiday season is about celebrating and connecting in ways that feel meaningful to you. Embrace your neurodivergence. Honour your unique needs and experiences. Love you for your youness and celebrate you every single day.
Happy holidays everyone. Be safe. Have fun. And be you.
Peta-Ann xo
P.S. If you need some extra assistance to hear your soul nudges, make sure you grab my Re-ignite your Elegant Rebel Oracle Cards. One of the easiest ways to hear your soul nudges.
P.P.S. If you want to learn some 5-min daily rituals to be the youest version of you, join me for my free online The Masking Liberation Guide Masterclass next month. More details available here.
Peta-Ann is the Founder of Elegant Rebel®, providing support for other soul-full rebels in rediscovering their uniqueness and celebrating all that they are and can be. Elegant Rebels choose to follow their inner-knowing instead of societal norms and take heart-centred action filled with compassion, kindness and grace. Late verified neuroquirky (AuDHD & dyslexic), she is also a Published Author; Holistic Coach; Proofreader, Writer; Colour Therapist; Professional Psychic; Reiki Master; Certified Angel Tarot Card Read, and a Soul Coaching® Oracle Reader.
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