Now we’ve determined that I am a self-confessed card-aholic, I pulled a card recently from a new deck – yes I add to my collection quite often – and the message was simple ‘be the real you’.
Or was it a simple message?
While I know what this card meant for me, I began to ponder. And we all know how I do like a good pondering.
For anyone who has read my first book ‘What happens when they don’t grow back…’ you will know that I chat at great length about celebrating your uniqueness and how, thanks to one of my brothers, I now know that not fitting in is how I choose to fit in. And yet from my continued pondering on this card, I had the iconic scene from A Few Good Men playing over and over in my head. You know the one where Jack Nicholson screams in the courtroom ‘You can’t handle the truth!’
What is the truth behind this simple statement – ‘be the real you.’ We all want to be accepted for who we are. We all want to be ourselves. And yet when we choose to be our real selves, in all our grace and beauty, there is still this underlying tenet of having to be the version of your unique, authentic and real self that society will accept. This isn’t being the real you in my books.
So why do we do this? Is it a fear of being shunned, ostracised or rejected? Or is that we simply do not have a clear enough sense of our own identities to be able to show up for ourselves as our ‘real self’? I feel for most of us it’s a wee bit of Column A and a wee bit of Column B combined.
For me, the honest, simple truth is unless you’ve valued yourself enough and chosen to do the inner work to truly know your sense of identity – or at the very least are on the path to discovery - and know how to feel safe and empowered in this sense of identity, simple statements such as ‘be the real you’ or ‘be authentic’ are setting yourself up to fail in this world of non-acceptance.
You may or may not know that I recently was clinically diagnosed as AuDHD (that’s both ASD and ADHD - we’re the ones who crave creativity as well as structure all at the same time so, for example, when we have ‘clutter’ it’s very neatly stacked!). These monikers are ones which come with the societal norms caveats when you wish to stand in your grace and be the real you. And to be honest, knowing the real neurodivergent/neuroquirky you is a super interesting odyssey in itself due to the masking and mirroring behaviours in an effort to ‘fit in’. SocMedia Influencer Neurodivergent_lou summed up my ponderings well: ‘As an Autistic Person I feel like society tells me… ‘Be Yourself, But Not Like That’.
It feels as though to be the ‘real you’ – irrespective of whether you are neurodivergent or neurotypical – comes with a caveat ‘yes we give you permission to be yourself and be real, but if you could just fit yourself into this box called ‘societal norms’ that would be great!’. And for this Elegant Rebel® this is where my blood starts to boil, slowly.
Let’s start with the sense of being given permission to be real or authentically yourself. Am I truly the only person in the world who hears this tonality? And now I am panicking that perhaps I have been inadvertently doing the same thing by telling everyone to celebrate their uniqueness. Jeez I hope not. I can guarantee when I say this, it comes from a place of encouragement not from a place of telling. While I wish for you to celebrate all that is uniquely you and feel safe enough to be your real self – you do you in your way and your own time, no one else’s. It’s your choice. Always.
Next ingredient in the slow cooker - to feel empowered as our own, authentic true self is an internal job. No external validation or permission is required to be your true self. And, oh my word this takes a lot of personal development, personal understanding, inner knowing to achieve and for me the learning continues every single day. And I love this. It’s about recognising who, where and when you hand your power over to other people and recognising that no one else has power over you, unless you allow them too. Did I mention this is a ‘school day’ topic for me every day!
For me, to understand yourself truly, it’s about knowing your values and how these change, and your boundaries and how these change. It’s also about knowing how to set your boundaries from a place of kindness, grace and compassion. There is no one person or situation you need to power over to be you, in all your beauty.
Another ingredient in this bubbling broth is safety. When we’re encouraged to be our real selves and to show up as our authentic selves – how do we feel safe to do this? How does society in general support us to take up our own space and truly live as our authentic selves? In general, it doesn’t. Well, that’s been my lived experience, oh since birth. I have always been ‘too’ something to fit into societal norms. Add to this my choices, which I know do not fit into the accepted societal norms, such as staying flat post breast cancer treatment or choosing to exercise for a healthy life filled with vitality, as opposed to subscribing to the diet culture approach.
Putting aside environmental safety factors which we aren’t always able to control, our ‘feeling safe’ in our own identity is truly up to us. Once again it is a ‘handing your power over to someone else situation’ if we allow others or want others to ‘make us feel safe’ being our real self.
It’s our choice to feel safe in our identity in all situations. For me, boundary setting and following your inner knowing to feel empowered are the keys to feeling safe in your true identity.
Feeling safe with my non-conformist, elegantly rebellious choices is a work in progress, if I am honest. I am 100% on board with my choices as I followed my inner knowing to make them. Noone else. Just mine. I am onboard with my values and changing them as my world changes and evolves. I am on board with my boundary setting and understanding being empowered comes from my inner knowing not a ‘gift of permission’ from external sources. I don’t always get my boundary setting correct. And responding from neutrality as opposed to reacting when someone knowingly steps across a boundary is a continuous work in progress for me. And while recently discovering this has much to do with my AuDHD, I continue working towards being more discerning and finding the best balance of innocence and standing in my power, for me.
Bold statement for the final ingredient of this slow boil pondering – for me, it appears many folks are stating their leaps into authenticity as if they just joined a challenge or competition, egged on by fitting in to the latest trend. Hmmmmm. Nope. The only person who matters, if you choose to show up as your real self, is you. And this is how society can benefit. If we are the best versions of ourselves, we are able to truly take up space and share our grace, compassion and kindness with the world. We’re able to increase the vibration of acceptance. And then perhaps we will all understand the amazingness of being ‘the real you’.
And for me, the key ingredients to keep that pot at a balanced simmer is no matter what, always remember to celebrate you as a person. Honour you as a person. Respect you as a person. Love you as a person. For me, that’s the truthful version of the unique, real you broth!
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A wee caveat – if I may. For those of you who may not know this I also have a background in politics and government. I even have university quals in this area in fact. So when I talk about being the real you and not fitting in, the lens I use accepts the governing laws of the country in which you reside. I encourage healthy debate and questioning the validity of some decisions; however, I will always lean towards the elegantly rebellious approach of taking heart-centred action filled with grace, compassion and kindness for all sides of any debate.
Peta-Ann is the Founder of Elegant Rebel®, providing support for other soul-full rebels in rediscovering their uniqueness and celebrating all that they are and can be. Elegant Rebels choose to follow their inner-knowing instead of societal norms and take heart-centred action filled with compassion, kindness and grace. She is Peta-Ann Wood is also a Holistic Coach for Writers; Proofreader, Writer; Published Author; Colour Therapist; Reiki Master; Certified Angel Tarot Card Read and Soul Coaching® Oracle Reader.
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